Smear test: My farting faux pas

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No-one will ever beat my farting mid smear – get it done, ladies, your life depends on it. 

Image: Shutterstock

I think it was probably within the first minute of Rex being born that I wanted to make a GP appt to have the coil put back in. Not that I wanted anyone near my lady bits again for some time, but my old girl would certainly suffer more if another bambino planted it’s little ass down there so I bit the bullet and made an appt. During the phone call the receptionist asked if I would like to be booked in for a smear test as well. Of COURSE I would. 


Like any other day with a newborn, getting out of the house was a fucking mission and I was running a little late. But I made sure my personal hygiene was up to scratch, if you know what I mean, and then we bolted out the door. However, what I did forget in my haste, well, I say forget, more like ignored, was my need for a poo.


In hindsight, this was, well, stupid. I don't know if you've ever attempted to stop yourself from farting when your legs are set at quarter to three but I can tell you, it's nigh on impossible. You can see where I’m headed with this, can’t you. 


Yep, mid-fitting, speculum well and truly in, I’m trying to relax as much as possible and, in doing so, all the wind I’d held in up to that point flew right out.


I often wonder if I should be allowed out unsupervised/unattended. It was that appointment I decided the answer was a resounding no.


Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure the lovely doctor who fit my coil has hopefully heard and smelt worse, but fuck me, there’s nothing quite like a fart in the face as an introduction. I genuinely think I would’ve been less embarrassed if I shit myself during birth. At least then I could’ve blamed Rex. Not today. While Rex was with me today, there was no hiding behind him with that bad boy, that was aaaaaaall me.


Like most situations I find myself in these days. I apologised profusely and scurried out of the surgery with a face redder than the sun.  


Smear tests: Don't be scared


Smear tests, if you've never had one, can be really scary. I am extremely ashamed to admit I was so scared and embarrassed at the thought of having a stranger see and poke my lady bits about that I had my first one when I was 30 years old. And I have Jade Goody to thank for making me book that first cervical screening appointment. I didn't have kids when Jade was ill, but I remember watching her on TV in awe at how brave she was throughout her cervical cancer diagnosis. Her story was heartbreaking, and despite not knowing her, it made my stupid 'It won't happen to me' mindset change. 


My first ever smear test results came back abnormal, which meant I then had to go for a colposcopy, a simple procedure whereby a camera is inserted in the vagina to look at the cervix in more detail. They took a biopsy at that appointment, which, thankfully, came back okay. Since that point I have stuck to my advised smear tests religiously. 


I totally get the fear a lot of women feel about smear tests, it's intimate and who knows what the results might return. But if I've learnt anything over the years, it's that anything like this is never as bad as you are expecting. A smear test is a very discrete and quick procedure, which usually consists of the following:


  • Doctor leaves the room or curtained area while you removing your trousers/skirt and knickers and sit upright on the bed, which has a paper towel for you to cover yourself with

  • Doctor checks you are ready for them to enter the room

  • Place your feet up against your bum, still covered, and let your legs fall either side. Doctor will then insert the speculum (which usually has lubricant to make it more comfortable), take a swab of cells from your cervix with what looks like a really long cotton bud and then removes the speculum. 

  • Voila - all done. 


Obviously not every woman is the same, and some tests might take longer depending on individual health conditions, but none of my smear tests have taken longer than a couple of minutes. I'm not going to say doctors have seen it all before, because that made no difference to me in the beginning. They certainly hadn't seen mine and that was the way it was going to stay. The thing to focus on is this super-short procedure, which, yes, you might find a little uncomfortable and embarrasing to have done, could potentially save your life. 


So please, lovely ladies, if you haven't had a smear test recently, get one booked in – just make sure you have a poo beforehand if you need to, no matter how late it might make you.


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