Really fucking annoying questions

Why is it, when you have a baby, everyone is in such a fucking rush for them to get to the next ‘step’? And at each step there’s a really fucking annoying, almost judgemental question that goes with it?

Is he smiling, laughing, teething, rolling, crawling, walking yet?

I realise these are all very normal questions and often a way of making conversation but fuck me, I wanna say, give the poor little sod a chance – he only exited my vagina 22 weeks ago!

Now Rex is five months, the question everyone keeps asking is if he has tried or is on solids yet. And sometimes it’s not even a question, it’s a ‘why isn’t he on solid food yet?’. This is normally followed with something along the lines of…

‘Oh, really? My *insert kid’s name* was weaned when they were *insert ridiculously young age here*. You should try it, it will help him sleep through the night.’

Like many, many conversations I have with people about Rex, what I want to say and what I actually say are two very different things. I’ll start with the former…

‘I realise that’s the way things were done (often many, many years ago), but times change. And also, it’s just another fucking thing that I can’t be arsed to think about right now, and being that we’re in no rush to start, I’ll put him on solid food when I decide the time is right, and not before.’

But that’s quite rude, apparently. So I always go with the latter, which is some version of this…

‘No, I’ve not weaned him yet. He’s pretty content with milk still at the moment so unless that changes, I’ll probably wait until he’s six months to introduce solid food.’

The response is usually along the lines of doctors don’t know what the fuck they’re on about saying six months is the optimum age, that people ‘worry too much about this stuff these days’ and that many people offering advice know better. This was proved recently when I caught up with a friend, who told me she recently discovered a chocolate finger hanging out the mouth of her not even three-month-old when she went to pick him up from her in-laws. I sat with my jaw on the table as she explained to me that when she let it be known she wasn’t happy, they told her she was ‘overreacting’. Now my friend is much nicer than me. I, on the other hand, would not have been responsible for where I’d have shoved the rest of that packet of Cadbury’s finest. Eamo and I have decided to wait until Rex is six months until he’s weaned and woe betide anyone who goes against that decision.

All that said, much like every other aspect of parenting, I don’t really have a Danny La Rue about weaning. Everything I’ve read so far says to begin with just a couple of spoonfuls and to start with vegetables only, so soon Rex will be on a better diet than his old man, who, at 33 years of age, still thinks veggies are the devil’s food. Can’t wait to see the not-so-little-guy munching on some broccoli. Not so excited for the veg-filled nappies though…

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