Toddler talk: The hilarious ramblings of Rex

Updated: Jun 13, 2021

In a way that only Rex can, he’s had me in stitches recently. And, no, I am not referring to my current Leather Face-style scalp. His speech has come on leaps and bounds recently, to the point where he says things some times that literally stop me in my tracks. But there’s still a way for him to go to nailing certain words and letters, which means he often tries to say something and it comes out sounding very different to how it should. You can see where this is going, right?

Latest example was tonight, I'm busy packing my baby changing bag for tomorrow as Rex does a Thomas the Tank engine puzzle...

Rex: “Fucking troller” Me: “Er, what now?” Rex: “Fucking troller, Mummy.” Cue me rolling around on the floor laughing as I see him pointing at the Fat Controller. Well, I guess his name isn’t PC anymore anyway, right?

The brutal honesty of children

As much as Rex sounding like a tiny sweary person much of the time is funny (and by that I mean friggin hilarious), it also means we’re at the stage where he can vocalise (usually very loudly) exactly how he feels and what he sees. Yes, a toddler with absolutely no filter. I’ll just leave that there for a second.

Example A: A few months ago, when it wasn’t minus 300 degrees outside, we took Rex to Wookey Hole caves, where he was particularly taken by the ice cream parlour. Obviously.

Me: “What flavour would you like, bean?” Rex: points to salted caramel “Look Mummy, a big bowl of POO!” Example B: Stuck in a ridiculously long queue in the post office… Rex: “Mummy, WHAT’S THAT?” Points his stubby little finger about cm away from my face where a spot I thought I concealed extremely well resides. Me: “That’s a baddie on Mummy’s face, sweetheart. Thank you for pointing it out though” – said with all the sarcasm I can muster. Rex: Looks concerned. “I touch it?” Me: “No, it’s just a spot that’s a bit sore. Just leave it alone please.” Rex: “Ahh poor Mummy, I kiss it better?” Me: “That’s very kind, thank you. Rex: Kisses my face. “HELLO, EVERYBODY, MUMMY HAS A BADDIE. MUMMY HAS A BIG SPOT!”

Yes, thank you Rex. I'm thinking maybe I should add a gag to my list of baby must-haves.

Example C: In the bathroom, I’m in the shower while he’s in the bath. You can probably guess where this one goes. Rex: “ERGH! Mummy, WHAT’S THAT?” The inquisition to my lady garden I can understand, after all, I look different to him. But, and I’ll be honest, someone shouting ‘ERGH’ at my fanny was a first for me and it took me back at bit. I mean, I know they’re not exactly pretty, but jeez mate, gimme a break. Lost for words, in my not-so-pro parenting style I ignored the question and instead asked if he wanted to go and build a train track. Seriously though, how the hell do you even begin to explain the female anatomy to a toddler? Especially one so clearly disgusted by it.

If it wasn’t bad enough humiliating me on a regular basis, Rex has also start noticing differences in other people too. I’ve had some real squeaky bum time moments with this in public recently, with Rex stating facts about people that most people would never outwardly say. You can’t argue or be angry with a kid pointing out the obvious, but fuuuuck is it embarrassing.

In my true expert parenting style I often revert to diversion tactics when this happens, offering some kind of sugary treat to shut him up. (I’m going to hell, I know). Have you ever shared something in the hope that you’re not alone and that someone else will admit to having similar issues. That’s me, right now. Anyone else ever had their lady bits shamed by their offspring? Anyone, anyone…?

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